


Starlight

by neadevar



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Amputation, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coma, Destroy Ending, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, No Shepard without Vakarian, and I have a lot of feelings, but not gone into great detail, garrus has a lot of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-10-13 19:44:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20588054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neadevar/pseuds/neadevar
Summary: The last time Garrus saw her she was sending him away. She told him she loved him and then the doors closed between them, keeping him from following her. And he would have. He would have followed her to the ends of the universe if it meant keeping her safe.He wasn’t able to though, and he was paying for that with every breath he took.





	Starlight

**Author's Note:**

> Will I ever not name a fic off of a song? Lemme get back to you on that. However, the song for this fic is Starlight by Starset. I added some lyrics at the end of the fic because that's just how it be sometimes.
> 
> Noemi is pronounced No-AY-me in case anyone gets confused.

It was hard. Harder than it should be.

The last time Garrus saw her she was sending him away. She told him she loved him and then the doors closed between them, keeping him from following her. And he would have. He would have followed her to the ends of the universe if it meant keeping her safe.

He wasn’t able to though, and he was paying for that with every breath he took.

_ Commander Noemi Shepard,  _ the plaque reads. It has a space in the center of their memorial wall just underneath Admiral Anderson’s. Garrus runs his talons over her name, mandibles flexing. No one is quite sure if its a grimace or a smile. Maybe both. It’s certainly bittersweet putting her name up. 

But Garrus  _ can’t _ . 

“Garrus,” Liara says softly, taking a small step forward.

“We don’t know that she’s actually dead,” is all Garrus can say.

Liara purses her lips, and Kaiden speaks before she can. “We don’t, no. But do you honestly believe Shepard could have survived that?”

“No,” Garrus shakes his head. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

She came back from the dead, once. Really, how impossible would it be if she survived? Everyone is waiting though. This is their closure, even if it isn’t his. His fingers are shaking. His talons are clacking on the metal plaque.

Garrus holds her name to his chest and walks away. No one stops him.

  
  
  


The crew has been trying to get the Normandy patched up and working for months, and it finally seems like they’re getting close. Tali has done the majority of the planning. Her people have been patching together ships with odds and ends for decades and she is no exception. Joker has been sending out distress signals. No one answers. Sometimes he asks EDI for help, and won’t come out of the cockpit for hours when she doesn’t answer him. Her loss has been detrimental to the whole crew, but it’s killing Joker every day.

The alcohol is locked up tight for everyone’s benefit, Kaiden says. Garrus knows it’s because he and Joker are going through it like it’s the only thing they can drink. 

Garrus sits on the couch in Shepard’s quarters. Her plaque sits on the table face down. There’s one fish left in the tank and now they’re out of fish food. Garrus loathes to admit just how much losing that fish would hurt. Shepard couldn’t keep a fish alive for anything before they upgraded the tank. Even after Garrus was the one to feed and care for them so she wouldn’t have to keep buying new fish. The fish were theirs. Now there’s only one left.

The fish dies the day they get the Normandy running. Garrus thinks about meeting Shepard at the bar, like he promised, briefly. He’s needed in the battery though to make sure everything runs smoothly. Needed being the key word. He can’t leave as long as there is work, and there is so much work. 

It’s a rocky take off, and for a moment everyone holds their breath as they leave the planet’s atmosphere. The ship groans and creaks in a way that makes the crew worry it will start to buckle. Tali’s patch work holds, though, and everyone cheers as they make their way through the stars. Garrus didn’t think he’d be so excited to be back up in space again. He also didn’t think it would feel so lonely to travel the cosmos without Noemi.

It’s going to take a while before they’re close enough to the Sol system to make contact with Earth, Joker explains to Garrus. A few more months at least, the damage to the ship making their trip slow and rocky. If they’ll have enough fuel to even make it is another question. Joker plays it off. Garrus decides its out of his hands.

Kaiden is quick to become acting commander of the ship, being the highest ranking official they have. Garrus, even being Shepard’s unofficial official second in command, doesn’t even think about arguing. Kaiden tried offering it to him but he turned it down quickly. He’s in no position to lead. Taking orders, though, that’s easy.

It takes a little over a year, months on the planet and then months in space, before they finally make contact with Earth.

“This is the Normandy SR-2,” Joker speaks into the console, like he’s done everyday since the Reapers were destroyed. “Can anybody read me?”

It takes a few minutes of static before they hear. “... SR-2, do you read me?”

Kaiden throws a fist into the air as Joker cheers, and Garrus can’t help but feel relieved and excited as well. Joker continues talking and Kaiden pipes in seconds later. They have a rescue ship inbound to them. When Kaiden relays that information to the rest of the crew cheers rise up and the alcohol cabinet is finally unlocked for some well deserved celebration.

Garrus can’t ignore the way the Alliance soldier had evaded their question on Noemi’s status. 

Joker doesn’t join the party, preferring to drink in the cockpit. Garrus finds himself drinking beside him. He doesn’t sit in EDI’s seat, doesn’t want to offend Joker, and he finds that the man stares at the empty seat frequently the more he drinks. 

“How are you holding up, Joker?” Garrus finally speaks. 

Joker swirls his glass. “EDI was there one moment, and then she was gone. It all happened so fast. You know?”

Garrus knows. He knows all too well. 

“I keep thinking that maybe she’s still in the ship. Maybe whatever took her and the reapers didn’t take  _ all  _ of her.”

It’s unlikely if not impossible. Garrus doesn’t need to tell Joker that. He downs the rest of his glass as Joker says. “I tried to ask about Shepard, whether she was still alive or if they at least found her body.”

Garrus was there too, but he doesn’t remind Joker. He’s drunk and upset and Garrus only had it in him to listen. “What did they say.”

“That’s the thing. They didn’t say anything. They jumped right into other questions and when I pressed they said Admiral Hackett would be on the rescue ship to explain. Do you think she made it?”

“If anyone could, it would be her.”

Joker is silent for a moment. “Do you think she knew that blast would take EDI?”

Garrus doesn’t have an answer. He hopes she didn’t. He knows she probably did. He also knows he may very well never get an answer for that question anyway.

Garrus drinks with Joker the rest of the night until the human is passed out in his chair before he stumbles to Noemi’s cabin.

  
  
  


The rescue ship couldn't come fast enough. Without the relays working it took them a week to reach them, and by that time the crew had gone three days without food after the rations were depleted. Still, everyone had the energy to shout and holler as the Normandy was sealed to the other ship.

Garrus stood with Kaiden and Joker as the doors opened up and Admiral Hackett walked through. He saluted with the rest of them, but he could hardly feel his fingertips. Hackett had the answers. Garrus wasn’t sure he wanted to hear them.

“It is a welcome sight to see you all well,” Hackett begins. “We couldn’t find your ship wreckage, and after a few months had to mark you down as MIA. It’s good to have you back home.”

He looks at Garrus then, face neutral. “Well, almost all of you home. Some of you are still a ways away.”

“How’s Commander Shepard,” Joker spoke up before Garrus had a chance. “Sir.”

Hackett’s face remained stoic. “Let us get the crew on board first and then we will talk.”

“Admiral,” Garrus begins, but the human is already walking back to the ship.

Garrus helps Kaiden get everyone off the ship, stopping by the med bay to help Dr. Chakwas get the injured moved safely. He feels like he’s on autopilot the entire time. Not really hearing orders but following them anyways. He can’t feel his legs.

“We will get the Normandy hooked up to tow her back home,” Admiral Hackett is speaking to Joker. Garrus pauses to listen.

“I’m staying on board then,” Joker tells him. Absolute. Garrus isn’t sure there is anything that could get him to leave now.

“Joker-.”

“I’m staying. EDI…” he trails off.

“Is dead,” Tali tells him gently, a hand on his shoulder. “Come aboard the other ship. Please.”

“I’m staying.”

Garrus understands completely.

They’re on their way back to Earth again when Admiral Hackett rounds up Shepard’s team and Garrus hears the news he’s both been dreading and anticipating. 

“I know you are all wondering about Commander Shepard,” Hackett begins. “I would like to be the first to tell you that she is alive.”

_ Relief.  _ So palpable and tangible that Garrus could practically hold it in his own hands, taste it on his tongue. He could breathe easier, didn’t know he was struggling to before, and the tightness in his chest was unwinding. Around him everyone was cheering. Liara was crying. James was hugging Kaiden. Garrus was on the ground, he realized. He had sunk to his knees. Tali had a hand on his shoulder and was squeezing it but he could barely feel it.

“Where is she?” Garrus asked, voice rough.

Hackett grimaced, and Garrus felt his heart sinking all over again. “I’m not going to sugar coat it. It’s been touch and go to keep Commander Shepard with us. She was found by civilians a few hours after the Reapers defeat but she was hardly alive. She was in a coma for a few months due to head trauma, had a few emergency surgeries and we had to amputate both her legs at the knee. She  _ was  _ doing better.”

“Was?” James asked.

“She had a seizure while with her speech therapist and it aggravated still healing wounds. She’s been put in a medically induced coma until the swelling in her brain goes down. That was three days ago.”

“But she’s alive,” Garrus rasps.

“She’s alive.”

Garrus finds himself crying. He hadn’t cried since he was a child.

  
  
  


Commander Noemi Shepard looked so small in the hospital bed, surrounded by tubes and wires. Her normally tawny skin was sallow and palid. Sick. Her eyes are dark and bruised. Everywhere were the signs of the Reaper battle. New scars that Garrus hadn’t traced. Barely healed burns lacerating her body, up her neck and across her cheek. Her body ended below the knees.

The beeping of the machines gave Garrus a headache, but they told him she was still alive, and he loved them.

The swelling had gone down, she was being weaned off the medications, and now it was just a waiting game. She would wake up on her own, but there was no telling when.

“She was so excited when she heard you were coming back,” the doctor had told Garrus. 

Everyone came to visit. Everyone but Joker. He hadn’t left the Normandy and Tali had been helping him try and get EDI back. EDI was the Normandy, so if the ship survived Joker was hanging onto the hope that she did as well. Nobody else held the same hope.

Garrus had gotten Shepard back. He didn’t feel it right to try and ask for any more.

Noemi’s fingers twitched in his hand, and he looked at her face expectantly. It had happened a few times, her fingers would move or her legs would shudder, and each time Garrus hoped it meant that she was waking up. The corner of her lip twitched up before her face settled. Garrus leaned back in his seat. She wasn’t waking up this time either. 

She would wake up, though. She’d wake up and Garrus could hold her and they could finally heal. He could introduce her to his father and sister. They could have those kids they talked about, start a family and a life that wasn’t centered around fighting and war. Noemi deserved that. Garrus wanted to give her that.

When Noemi did wake up it wasn’t the reunion he’d been fantasizing about. He was warned that waking up could be rough. She could be confused, agitated.

Garrus wasn’t expecting her to be so panicked.

He’s seen her scared before, fight or flight instinct kicking in. It was fight, it was always fight, she’d keep her knuckles clenched around a gun and chew a hole in her cheek but she always fought. She never ran. 

Right then, though, she looked like she had no other option but to run.

Garrus caught her hand as it flew to the tube in her neck, holding it tightly in his as it trembled. Her whole body shook, mouth open and trying to breathe on her own as wide eyes scanned the room frantically. She tried to get up, tried to pull her hand away from Garrus, and if she could speak Garrus could tell from the strain in her face that she’d be screaming. He was quick to call for a doctor, panicking himself.

He placed a hand on her forehead, smoothing sweaty hair away from her eyes. “Mimi, please, it’s okay. It’s okay. I’m here. I’ve got you.”

She looked at him then, and her eyes welled up with tears. Garrus was quick to wipe them as they fell down her cheeks and pressed his forehead to hers. He could feel her, warm, something he was so scared he’d never feel again. She had already died on him once before. He wouldn’t have been able to handle it a second time. But she was here, crying underneath him as he held onto her.

“Hello, love,” he whispered, voice strained. “I tried to find you sooner.”

Noemi’s chest shook with silent sobs. Her fingers were digging into his arms in a way that would have been painful if she wasn’t so weak, holding onto him like he was a dream she wasn’t ready to wake up from. She was mouthing something into his mandibles, frantically. He pulled away to hold her face between his fingers.

_ I love you,  _ she mouthed. Over and over and over again.

“I love you too,” he told her. His eyes were wet. “I love you so much.”

Noemi started crying harder, pulled Garrus closer to her, and Garrus wouldn’t have pulled himself away if the world itself were ending again. 

  
  


_ I don't know what to say _

_ But I'm going to want you till the stars evaporate _

_ We're only here for just a moment in the light _

_ One day it shines for us the next we're in the night _

_ So say the word and I'll be running back to find you _

_ A thousand armies won't stop me I'll break through _

_ I'll soar the endless skies for only one sight _

_ Of your starlight _


End file.
